Hell is real, and it’s in North Carolina

I apologize to you dear reader, I have not posted recently. I was on vacation for a week, then spent the time since attempting to recover from said vacation. Here is the story of the trip down, to help explain why recovery took so long.

Vacations are something most normal people look forward to. Parents of young children aren’t normal people however. There’s no good way to travel any real distances with an infant and toddler. You could fly, but then have to navigate an airport with a curious little boy, pay for a third seat for this child, then have two grumpy little ones who can’t understand why their ears hurt, while an entire plane scowls at you. This was not the option we chose, for all the negatives listed above. The other choice then is to drive. Luckily we just purchased a new mini van. We could load up a week’s worth of beach equipment, clothing, and children’s toys, and still fit the human cargo we had to haul. This brings its own insurmountable challenges, which I shall lay out for you. Suffice it to say, I now completely believe Hell is real.

The trek to our destination was estimated at 11 hours. With stops we figured 12, to be on the safer side. In my estimation, if we left between 8 and 10 at night, right when the kids were normally going to bed, we would get down there in the morning, right before the kids would normally wake up. The kids would sleep through the night, and wouldn’t endure the discomfort of the voyage. They’d be woken up by the dulcet tones of waves lapping softly against the sandy shores of the beach.

This is not what happened.

The very crux of my plan, leaving right at the children’s bed time, was dashed by the simple fact our rental home wouldn’t be ready until the afternoon. We decided the extra sleep for the adult drivers would be beneficial anyway, and pushed departure to 3:00 in the morning.

The first 30 minutes of our drive were bad. Both children were awake. Both children weren’t happy to be in the car. It was no worse than just taking an extended car ride though.

An hour in, we ran into stopped traffic on the highway. Not good. 45 minutes later we were moving again.

The kids were still awake.

We stopped around 7:00 in the morning for breakfast. The kid’s enjoyed getting out of the car. Yet, it was the typical fight with children to get them to eat. Us parents, and my parents, did not have a chance to fully enjoy this stop. We didn’t know yet how terrible the rest of the trip would be. We just chalked this up to a long stop. The children would fill their bellies, and eventually sleep. Then we could start making real time.

The kids were still awake.

We made it to a little before 1:00 with my wife hopping between the front seat and the back, calming Huck down because his ears kept popping through the mountains, or navigating DVDs for Tom. Then we stopped again. The Department of Transportation decided to close an entire section of the highway we were on. They were forcing landslides for a mile to ensure mountainside highway safety.

If we weren’t in the middle of nowhere, this would be no big thing. We’d take a backroad for 10 minutes or two miles, and hop back on the highway.

We turned around, following everyone else to a small gas station that was swamped. They were super nice and gave everyone directions to continue on our way.

We followed the train of cars on a two and a half hour detour through the hollers of North Carolina. The streets were literally named “Holler.” I’ve never seen anything like that before.

Then we stopped again. The gps said we were 2.9 miles from the next turn. My wife told me she needed to get out, and the bottles in the car and on the side of the road weren’t going to work as options. We aren’t animals.

I hypothesized the holdup was caused by the only stoplight of a one stoplight town.

I was right. She could have walked there and beat us by half an hour.

We stopped at the only diner in the town for a rest stop and lunch. The diner was great. My parents took Tom and Huck into the parking lot and tried to get as much of their energy out as possible. My wife and I sat in the diner and tried to hold back tears. We were 10 hours into an 11 hour drive, and the gps units were telling us we still had another 7 hours to go. We loaded back into the cars.

The kids were still awake.